Shutupayouface!

The internets have gone mad

Posted by: shutupayouface on: February 23, 2009

Dogs are now blogging and on Twitter.  A fucking lot of them.  What would Darwin have to say about all this.

That said, “chronicles of the white dog” is pretty ephing cute — and her twitter account has a few good quips.

Michelle Obama’s smile scares me

Posted by: shutupayouface on: January 30, 2009

Standing in line the other day, waiting to pay for my groceries, I was forced to choose between making small talk with a tranny or eyeing-up the crap magazines lining the checkout shelves.

The tranny was a blonde, so she got no love.  The National Enquirer was distinctly missing, so I was left with a sea of girly mags — oh the joy.  The Us Weekly cover featuring Michelle Obama and her kids did manage to catch my eye though, and initially I wasn’t sure why.

Then it hit me — I’ve seen that smile before.  Dear God!  Michelle Obama has the same smile as The Lord of Darkness in the movie Legend!

A smile that could light up the underworld.

A smile that could light up the underworld.

Vegas, baby

Posted by: shutupayouface on: January 16, 2009

The city of Las Vegas is really investing in their outreach programs.  State funding made it possible for these women from “Living with Herpes” — otherwise shunned in the modeling industry — to get in front of the camera again in this hilarious bathroom banner.

Working towards a cure.

Working towards a cure.

Popping your paid app cherry

Posted by: shutupayouface on: January 6, 2009

The iPhone has a wealth of entertainment value. Why we need all that shit in the palm of our hands is a bit beyond me, but I digress.

After you get done with the boring shit — updating contacts, adding your email accounts, trying to figure out how the fuck you move an icon — you want some apps.   But you’re a stingy bastard, so you cruise the most popular free apps.

  • Facebook — because your peeps need constant shout-outs
  • Pandora — because your music sucks and you need an algorithm’s help
  • Google Mobile — because they need more market share
  • Zippo Lighter — because, like a monkey, fire fascinates you
  • Flashlight — because Jesus died for your sins, since there is no other good reason

You do this for days.  Checking the top free apps, by category even, praying something new has come along so you can fill your 5th screen.  Hey, a voice-recognition app!

But one day you realize, no new awesomeness is coming.  You raise your white flag, click “Buy App” and almost hope your credit card company has the forethought to reject the charge.  Because the floodgates are open.

And as it turns out, apps people actually spend time programming are pretty sweet.

This iFart app totally changes the game!

The great white hope

Posted by: shutupayouface on: January 2, 2009

I guess that makes sense because I burn after about 30 minutes in the sun.  Go with it.

Hope springs eternal in the New Year, but I’m only asking for one thing in 2009 — the death of the (online) music magazine.

Aren’t we at a point where the likes of Pitchfork, Spin, Blender, etc. are obsolete?  Ok, that might be a bit broad-reaching.  Those publications probably have a bit more access to artists than you do, so read on if you give a shit about what the people making the music you like think.

More specifically, the album review needs to die.  I didn’t go to Berklee, I can’t dissect music or tell you what makes a song/album good — but neither can the pretentious writers for music rags.  Music is all about what moves you, not what sells magazines (or drives visitors).

He's also a level 5 Dungeon Master.

He's also a level 5 Dungeon Master.

Behold, the internets.  Thanks Al Gore!

Someone, somewhere is blogging about a new track you’re going to play-out over a weekend.  And more times than not, you’ll be able to download it for free.  If it has you tearing your hamstring from all the guitar-solo-high-kicks, then buy their album.  Or pirate it, whatever.

Then send me the link — I’ve already gone through my entire Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews CD collection over the holidays.

Happy New Year

Posted by: shutupayouface on: January 1, 2009

BOOYA

BOOYA

Sadly, this was not us. Maybe next year.

America’s fat ass

Posted by: shutupayouface on: December 31, 2008

The holidays are a great time to stuff your face, and everyone who is not tickling their throat with the end of a toothbrush feels a bit bloated come January 2.

It’s almost a known fact that people are getting fatter and lazier every year.  But it took a trip home to Delaware (which is getting fatter, faster than any other state) to really drive this point home — apparently you just need a sign telling people what do to now.

Eat fatties!  EAT!

Do not disobey the sign!

Do not disobey the sign!

5 reasons why Jack Johnson sucks

Posted by: shutupayouface on: December 23, 2008

No, not the Jack Johnson that was the best heavyweight boxer of the early 1900s. Although I wish he were still around to wipe the floor with the current surfer dude/musician I am referring to.

  1. All his songs sound the same
  2. He’s friends with G. Love, and I hate that guy too
  3. This album, “Sing-A-Longs and Lullabies for the Film Curious George” — you’ve got to be shitting me
  4. Hippies — nothing more needs to be said
  5. His face

This is a guy whose fan base is made up of leftover Grateful Dead and Phish fans.  If Dave Matthews’ tour bus ever crashes, his album sales would double.  DEAR GOD.

When are flannel shirts, Docs, and Grunge going to come back?  Soundgarden, wooooo!

My top albums of 2008

Posted by: shutupayouface on: December 21, 2008

“Top albums of the year” write-ups are a dime a dozen.  That makes mine pretty much worthless, except it’s my only real attempt at being positive.  So, bear with me.

LP3

Ratatat

200px-ratatat_lp3_cover1If a movie were to be made about my rather ordinary life, Joel McHale would certainly play me and Ratatat would provide the soundtrack.  More than any other group, they produce music I could dance, drive, relax, fuck – live to.

Their meld of New Wave and fiery guitar solos on “LP3” strikes a chord with my 80s childhood and love for Rock and Roll.  They push the boundaries of at least five musical genres, teetering on the edge of misclassification; only to reign themselves back in with tracks like “Mirando” and “Mumtaz Khan”.

Must hear track: Mirando

Plagues

The Devil Wears Prada

200px-devil_wears_prada_plagues_cover1Taking their name from the book authored by Lauren Weisberger, The Devil Wears Prada has set themselves up for constant tonal assumption by the general public.  But 18 seconds into “Plagues”, and any confusion about their sound is shattered by lead singer Mike Hranica’s chainsaw vocals.

Groups that employ the scream-sing-scream method are often criticized for being formulaic and immature.  And while their song names might not do them any favors in disproving the latter notion (”HTML Rulez d00d”), “Plagues” packs a knockout body-shot and gives metal lovers a taste of all their favorite musical elements.

Must hear track: Hey John, What’s Your Name Again?

Attack & Release

The Black Keys

blackkeys-attackrelease1The pairing of blues-rock outfit The Black Keys with producer Danger Mouse, of The Grey Album fame, resulted in an unpredictably psychedelic blues album.  The production quality of “Attack & Release” far surpasses previous efforts by The Black Keys, and lends to a heavier bass influence.

A slightly more mainstream feel doesn’t dilute the bluesy improvisation and riff-oriented sound, often identifiable in blues-rock.  Notable in the track “Strange Times” being featured on the soundtrack for the video game, Grand Theft Auto IV.

Must hear track: Lies

This Will Destroy You

This Will Destroy You

twdyIn recent years, artists have been ditching vocals and focusing more on their instruments – thus was born the genre of post-rock.  Lead by fellow Texans, Explosions In The Sky, this category focused brooding emotions into crescendoing thunder rolls of non-standard chord progression and feedback.

With low barriers to entry, the genre is filled with hopeful acts looking to find Friday Night Lights success.  This Will Destroy You set themselves apart with electronic influences and the belief that they don’t need 15 minutes per song to make you feel their angst.

Must hear track: Threads

Lost In The Sound Of Separation

Underoath

200px-uolitsosUnderoath is back, and they’re heavier than ever.  Not many fans thought they would outdo their last album, “Define The Great Line”, after all the troubles facing frontman Spencer Chamberlain – making the band a bit of an underdog.  But with “Lost In The Sound of Separation”, they came out swinging, hard.

Aaron Gillespie’s vocals are as sharp as ever, and feature perfectly on tracks like “Anyone Can Dig A Hole But It Takes A Real Man To Call It Home”.  Songs of redemption have never sounded so dark and realistic.  The hype machine has a way of chewing albums up and spitting them out – but this album truly delivers on its promise.

Must hear track: A Fault Line. A Fault Of Mine.

Me love you long time

Posted by: shutupayouface on: December 8, 2008

Community murals are supposed to help bring people together and instill civic and, sometimes, national pride.  But when you start including hookers in your murals, I think its time to step the realism down a bit.

5 Dolla

5 Dolla